The carnal mind

We've learned it in church, we've been battling it our whole lives, and will continue to do just that: to overcome the carnal mind. The human desires- laziness, lust, jealousy, zeal; the human mind.

If there is one thing I've learned this year, it would be that my biggest enemy is myself. I'm my harshest critique, my own reason for failure, and I can talk myself out of every productive thing.

I'm sure everyone knows I've had a terrible issue with my weight over the months; being 100 lbs. one week, and 125 lbs. a few weeks later. It was devastating. And gaining back my weight was terrible for me- how could you have missed that?

But now I have another issue- controlling how MUCH I eat. I always eat healthy. But it's my snacking that gets me in trouble. That's what makes me feel guilty beyond measure.

I can so honestly admit to having an eating disorder. Not like anorexia or bulimia, but an obsession/guilt with exercising, healthy eating, and missing a workout. Every single day I battle this. Sometimes I feel like this is worse than any other disorder. Why? Because I'm never comfortable in my own skin. Because I become so obsessed with outward appearance. Because I never have a thought that isn't intruded upon by weight.

I do crossfit before practice, I go to practice at 6 every day, I run, I do personal workouts.. I do everything, and yet I'm still unhappy with my self image. Look what this terrible world has done to beautiful young women.

I'm sorry for everyone that deals with this same issue. I think you're beautiful :)

I attract stress like pigs attract flies

I started working for reals this week. The store opens Saturday, VIP night tomorrow night. I can't figure out my online stuff, I'm scheduled to work every day I can't, I'm working every weekend for the next month (including Sundays, which is my day to chill and relax). I have to drive 20 minutes just to get there, and I don't even get to wear cute clothes.
To make this better, it all falls right when I'm making new friends- right when boys are happening in my life... Right when they want me around. I'm scared to say no, cause I'm scared they won't ask again.
And to make it even better! My finger is confusing me beyond measure. This reminds me why I hate liking boys. That was one convenient part to having a boyfriend...

I don't know. I feel like.. This is Highschool. I should be having fun and doing it often. Not driving to sandy every weekend and missing games. Blah. Time to find a new job.

But imma do it anyway

I try and make my words sound beautiful and inspiring, but they never seem to come out with the right fluidity. So throw that out the window and just read because its a really cute love (like) story.


He made a list of things he'd do for me/ things we'd do together.
Catch frogs
Watch the Avengers
Eat crawfish
Go fishing (check!)
Today when I saw him, he said he was bringing me crawfish from the trip he was taking that afternoon (yes! Something to get me through my long day at work).
Even when he texted me and said he had no luck in catching some, my spirits were not dampened.
I don't want to tell the story, I want the words to
"I think that would put a big smile on my face"
"No ma'am. I want to do it just for you."
They seem so insignificant, but he's making my heart flutter.. Something that hasn't happened in months. And I'm putting a smile on someone's face again :) that's the best part- that I can have that affect on someone.

I don't have anyone to tell these things to because I'm too busy playing doctor and never get the chance to play the patient. So my blog and my journal get it.

Light my world by moonlight.

To be wanted is the greatest human emotion.
We braided my blonde locks, we cuddled cozily on the couch, we ate breakfast, we laughed, and we even cheered when certain steps were made on a relationship (mine). We were friends, in the complete literal sense of the word: comfortable, friendly, flirty, rude, but always kind; lightly teasing and nagging is our favorite game to play.
Nobody understands the blessing they have been in my life. I waited in compete misery for months and months, waiting for something like this to happen for me. It's happened, and I couldn't love it more. I enjoy the simplicity of things (they know nothing romantic will ever happen, and we know the same).

Some relationships aren't so easy going. Some are fun, and flirty, but more forced (maybe that's because they don't know each other well). This one was spent at the pond, fishing, kissing.. Ducks, and the hopeful development of something. Maybe. It was spent through the sunlight, the sunset, the dusk, and the dark, brightened by the moonlight. She was bundled in her sweater, and his jacket. They talked, they laughed, they teased, they had sentimental moments. Nothing exciting, just something missed.

The closeness of another human being is always welcome. Even by that exotic human being. Especially.

Mumford and Sons came out today and I'm loving it. They describe brilliance. They ARE brilliance.

So I know it's real

Tell me you read my blog so I know it's real.
Go running with me so I know it's real.
Stay up real late with me so I know it's real.


"Talk to me so I know it's real" Hahahah. Shoot. I should have just called you.

One fall night..

Friends
Laughing
Giggling
Flirting
Music- making
Singing
Playing
Fires
S'mores
Roasting
Sweater- wearing
Talking
Getting to know you
Pairing off
Watching
Gazing
Loving
Hoping
Cuddling
Wishing
Happy
Memory- making
Teaching
Eating

I honestly adorable this time of year. I adore the clothes, the activities, but most of all.. I love the friends I share the moments with.

here's to the fall of twenty- twelve.


... And she felt all that was right with the world.

Becoming responsible

Life just got scary. I'm a grown up now. I have to deal with work, with people I may not like, and a strict lifestyle I've never had to deal with. I'm entering into a world where time isn't mine to spend. I have to give up my weekends, possibly time for friendships, to work for other people.

I'm scared out of my mind.

I'm not ready to be grown up. This is Highschool. I want to live in it and be carefree, reckless, and stupid.

Here's to the week ahead...