I won't be the boiling frog

Do you remember a time when you vowed you wouldn't fall? When you promised yourself you wouldn't be vulnerable because you knew what it was like? Do you remember a time like that? 

The great thing about here, on this blog, is everything written has a double meaning. Sure, it may be talking of the latest pet, the latest young man, or the latest upset. But it's also always talking of the past pets, the last young men, and the previous upsets. It's also talking of more than just those parallels. There are so many people in my life that can fit the way I write, to assume its straight about one person would be a huge mistake. Because it never is. 

Just... Don't forget that one time you said you wouldn't fall. It always ends the same way- unimportant, another past, previous, and another last. 

It's not fun feeling like that foolish girl you're afraid people think you are. And to know people actually think that way?- what a way to destroy trust even more. 

So here's another vow: to not falling, to not burning bridges, to not trusting the depths of myself to another person. Here's to being a clam. 

Chloe 

xx

So she gazed..

It was 4:30am and I had this thought to go outside. 

So I did. 

The magestic sky that I was greeted by was unimaginable. It's clearness, the wonder, the beauty tugged at me to lay beneath them at just gaze. 

So I did. 

The stars twinkled. They made shapes, and they drew lines. They had milky hazes, which reminded me how far away, how perfectly tiny I was. Here are millions of stars viewable from my trampoline at 4:30, and how I ever thought that I was so important, so big, will never be known to me. There is so much more than me. 

And then, against the black sky and the twinkling planets, I saw one; a small streak in the sky, a fleeting wish. A wish too small and scary to let ourselves wish for for more than those split seconds. 

That's right. I saw a shooting star. 

I've seen a handful of those in my time, but every time I see one, I still gasp and mutter a surprised "oh wow!". 

We live on a beautiful planet. Amongst the dirt, the turmoil, and twisted beings called humans, there is beauty. There isn't chaos in the sky. We can still look UP and realize that we are watched over. The same hands that created those twinkling stars, created my blonde hair and blue eyes, my capable hands and my wondering mind. 

What an amazing Creator. 

... To know the mysteries of god... My turn will come. 

I think this is just what I needed to see. 

Welcome to my nightmare.

I'm in a bad place. 

Again. 

It's the place I beat myself up about being perfect. Where I have to have a flat stomach and perfectly toned legs. 

It's all really silly when you think about how unimportant and selfish it is to think like that... 

Especially while serving a mission. 

Everyone says you'll gain; it's inevitable. But I know that if I do, I will not be able to focus on the work. I won't be able to serve the way I want to. 

I pled to my Heavenly Father that I not be placed in situations that would have me eating a way I don't want to. I prayed I would have companions who would understand... Maybe even share the desire to stay lean. 

I think it's the fear of what others would think if I were to come home heavier. My mom said it melts off once your home and back in normal routine, but it still scares me. I can't put on a pencil skirt and see a tummy- I can't. I'll go into a sick-to-my-stomach frenzy and it's all I'll think about. 

I've lived in Germany. I know how to eat healthy. I know how to avoid the chocolate and the bread. I know what to snack on and I know the members will feed me. So I need to learn to control my portions again. I need to learn to be assertive when telling someone I've had enough. And I have to do a morning routine- I have to. 

Welcome to my head where so very easily I fall into insecurity. If I could trade this sickness, I would. I would do anything for a high metabolism, or even better, to not care. I would. 

Here's to Germany; lots of walking, public transport, bread, cheese, and sweets. 

Here's to countless prayers to come. 

Chloe 

xx