There was a moment in time when I wished none of this bonding would happen. Only because it got harder and harder as the days went. There's a constant small lump always resting in my throat for when a time comes that it cannot sit any longer, and it escapes. Times like bike rides with my best friend, or the mention of a priesthood blessing. Or when daddy says he loves me, or a friend says it, also. When someone asks when I leave, and I respond "June 2nd" like it's habit. Or when I'm sitting by a fire after one of the best nights of high school, staring at the starlit sky and listening to dear friends sing and strum, others remembering, two talking about missions, and one doing the same I am.
I should save every small tear I shed over the days to take with me, to remind me that they were out of love. That love doesn't end because two people aren't three miles away from each other. To remind me that I'm not the only one about to embark on the scariest and most lonesome change I've had in my short 19 years of life. Everyone's ending this summer, but I can't help but think I'm ending more than those around me. After all, they're all staying in the country where they can keep contact through the vain inventions of texting and twitter and instagram.
There was a moment last year when I wished to be all alone with no distractions. I can see why I wished those things; life is easier when you want to change, not when you're being forced. I never meant to fall back in love with those I lost touch with. I didn't think those connections would not only strength, but tie me to the ground I walk on. I never thought I'd be more sad to leave high school than to stay. But I guess that's what makes these big, scary changes necessary we don't expect them; we're comfortable.
When you're comfortable, you know that's when you're doing something wrong and something needs to change.
I'm making too many ties here. And too many ties are being made to me.
It was easier being alone because I only had me to miss.
Which wasn't a bad thing.
... here's to the lovely blog post I read tonight; to the beautiful way she puts together words and shapes her thoughts into grammatical perfection. You'll do great things.
