It's my third year being on the drill team, and I'll also be a senior. In the drill team world, usually senior third years are captains. Most everything is done by seniority. Actually, everything is; who's in front, who's in charge, who goes first, who counts... It's all done by those seniors. So I would have thought it would have been me. I obviously wouldn't have been head captain, but I expected to be a captain. But instead, a second year junior is in my spot. I'm not upset that she's a captain, it's just that I'm NOT.
I've stuck this thing out for three years, very hard years, and I am in charge of the costume closet, which, by the way, was taken care of today... By the whole team. Not once was I asked what to do or what my take was.
Another thing seniors get the privilege of is front, or near the front, in most every dance. I came back to find that I am in the back in almost every formation, with a bunch of first years who know nothing about drill team! They have so much to learn and fix..., and I can't even say anything, even though I've been there the longest, next to Mady. I think it kind of unfair that I'm not a captain, to put it out there in black and white.
As I was sitting out, because of my injury, I got a glimpse of the coming competition year; Chloe not in the front, anger bottled up, using everything in me to refrain from exploding, and having a bad time because of all that. I was holding back tears nearly the whole practice. To make it worse, I can't even dance!! I have to sit out, and I know everyone is disappointed. I'm sorry I've been quiet and pushed through this for over a year; now its chronic.. And gonna take a whole lot longer than just 2 weeks to heal. But what am I doing? I'm training and conditioning just like everyone else, even though this injury is probably going to affect me my whole life.
So ask me if I'm ready to put my 110% into this year?? No. I'm not ready. And all I want to do I cry. But I want to cry to someone who isn't around, but knows me so well. And no, it's not who you are all thinking, it's his best friend... Well his best friend when I was around. I need someone who was there through it all, who knows the old me, and can maybe make her emerge for just a second.
I see potential in this year, I'm just afraid that I'm going to be holding back a lot because it's not my place to say anything... Even though so much needs to be said. And I know the people in charge right now won't say anything.
I need an understanding shoulder to cry on.
...and she had a skin disease and a Rudolph nose.
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