It's time get out of here. Chao!

I get myself into things without even thinking about them. Who knew sending a silly text introducing myself would play out to be this big? Who knew a homecoming date would do the same? 

I'm in such an emotional state, I don't have any feelings accept for my friends; where there are no feelings that need to be handled, and there are no unspoken words. I can just be myself and love freely without any attachments. 

Sometimes you're scared to leave normallacy for so long, but then god pulls one of his funny tricks, and makes leaving sound more glorious than ever before; even more glorious than during the time you hoped and dreamed for change. 

I'm ready to be another Chloe in a far away land where nobody knows my name, and nobody knows my story. A place I can write whatever I want and not have to refer to another chapter, or even another book. 

A place where past feelings don't go, simply because they were felt in a different time. They can be felt, and probably missed, but they can't be acted upon, and that's the greatest gift. 

It's time to leave. That much is clear. And I'm ready. Not because I don't like them, but because two things can not simultaneously exist in a place only one is morally supposed to exist in. 

They drank from porcelain cat mugs

Why do good things happen to bad people?? 

Last night was so nice. Spent time with my old girlfriends, listened to good music, danced away the night, kissed the sweetest boy, and talked to someone who.. Probably still knows me better than anyone else. Or used to. 

I was sitting in the backseat listening to some song that had me looking out the window smiling at life, when a friend reached over and touched my leg. He said "I'm going to miss you, Chlo." And just with those small words, he had me swelling with too much emotion. 

I was sitting in my driveway with part of my past, talking about our lives. And just like we didn't have a past, I told them basically everything that's happened in the last two months (in a nutshell). Over the course of the night, the past was brought up and so was the future. It was nice. 

I was dancing with a part of my present when he reminded me of the full moon. We ran to the "A" and our lips touched. My present will go with me to my future as part of the memoirs from a great past. 

As I thought about my future, my present and my past reminded me how ready I am to handle this. Thank you to both; I've learned how to love through both, how to overcome hard things, and how to smile. Because of both, my future has a bright outlook. 

It was just a small mix up in emotion. But that small mix up ruined some good things. Hmmm. 

i won't fall out of love, i'll fall into you

i'm feeling so infinite right now. the moments that my heart seems to reach so many different ways; it reaches so long i get a sense of how long "infinite" really is.

i can say these feelings are due to the sweet boy who says cheesy things and then apologizes for his sweetness. i could say it's because i'm listening to the music that does that to me. or i could say it's because of a boy i like to consider my best friend, a big brother, and a feelings-maker. i could say it's because i've become comfortable with going out with a boy who dances with me to my car. maybe it's because i graduated seminary tonight next to the greatest youth i've ever known. maybe it's because i've felt the loving spirit.

maybe it's because i realized he is to me what he is to you; that comforting arm on a hard day, when my tears become a rainstorm and blend into the rain.



... maybe she wanted her to be right. maybe it wouldn't be so bad.


maybe.

We're all in the same place; too scared to be excited

There was a moment in time when I wished none of this bonding would happen. Only because it got harder and harder as the days went. There's a constant small lump always resting in my throat for when a time comes that it cannot sit any longer, and it escapes. Times like bike rides with my best friend, or the mention of a priesthood blessing. Or when daddy says he loves me, or a friend says it, also. When someone asks when I leave, and I respond "June 2nd" like it's habit. Or when I'm sitting by a fire after one of the best nights of high school, staring at the starlit sky and listening to dear friends sing and strum, others remembering, two talking about missions, and one doing the same I am.

I should save every small tear I shed over the days to take with me, to remind me that they were out of love. That love doesn't end because two people aren't three miles away from each other. To remind me that I'm not the only one about to embark on the scariest and most lonesome change I've had in my short 19 years of life. Everyone's ending this summer, but I can't help but think I'm ending more than those around me. After all, they're all staying in the country where they can keep contact through the vain inventions of texting and twitter and instagram.

There was a moment last year when I wished to be all alone with no distractions. I can see why I wished those things; life is easier when you want to change, not when you're being forced. I never meant to fall back in love with those I lost touch with. I didn't think those connections would not only strength, but tie me to the ground I walk on. I never thought I'd be more sad to leave high school than to stay. But I guess that's what makes these big, scary changes necessary  we don't expect them; we're comfortable.

When you're comfortable, you know that's when you're doing something wrong and something needs to change.

I'm making too many ties here. And too many ties are being made to me.

It was easier being alone because I only had me to miss.

Which wasn't a bad thing.



... here's to the lovely blog post I read tonight; to the beautiful way she puts together words and shapes her thoughts into grammatical perfection. You'll do great things.

I can hear your heartbeat through my shirt

Laying down in the backseat of my jeep, listening to the music that describes me better than any thing, wind blowing through the whispering hairs the wind has licked free from my slicked hair.

A slight breeze, the evening heat perfect enough to remind me of those past summer nights, the times when love was breaking, but also building so strong.

29 days left to have these kinds of moments where I know I'll be returning to my house, to a life that I'm happy and comfortable in. A life I wouldn't give up for anything. Returning to the people I've been friends with for years.
It's all about to change, and this is the first time in the new me's life that I'm not excited for the change.



But maybe that's why I need it..

Tender moments

It's sweet times like tonight that make it all worth it.


...Sending a part of me with every one of them xoxo

HashtagAttentionWhore.

Do they really get sick of her?
Do you think about me like I think about you?
I wonder if my head is wondering things it has no business wondering?
Could I get just and hour of closure?
Do you think you could prove my theory wrong just once? I leave in 35 days...
I wonder what he thinks about that peck I gave him on my doorstep?
Why do I sincerely care so much about 3 boys more than anyone else?
How could anyone believe there isn't a god?
Why do my heart and my head want two completely different things?
Can we spend every extra moment together? I leave in 35 days...
Is it wrong to want someone that significant out of my life?
Will I ever be tan again? I mean seriously, I look arctic.


I think to sum up these questions I could use 5 words: boys, friends, future, religion, and random.

It's becoming more and more daunting as my days become more limited; life is not just ending the chapter of high school, but also the friends chapter, and the little girl chapter, and so many other chapters I didn't even know I had in my Book of Life.
The more happy times I have with my friends, the more I cry myself to sleep. The more days that pass proving my theory right, the more I cry myself to sleep. The more I smile at the simple things, the more I cry myself to sleep. There are so many happy things making this transition so much harder.

So many things will be different when I get home, only to change even more a few months later.



And I'm absolutely petrified.



... And she KNEW she was being psycho and obsessive, but the response she wanted she just wasn't getting. HashtagAttentionWhore.