We're all in the same place; too scared to be excited

There was a moment in time when I wished none of this bonding would happen. Only because it got harder and harder as the days went. There's a constant small lump always resting in my throat for when a time comes that it cannot sit any longer, and it escapes. Times like bike rides with my best friend, or the mention of a priesthood blessing. Or when daddy says he loves me, or a friend says it, also. When someone asks when I leave, and I respond "June 2nd" like it's habit. Or when I'm sitting by a fire after one of the best nights of high school, staring at the starlit sky and listening to dear friends sing and strum, others remembering, two talking about missions, and one doing the same I am.

I should save every small tear I shed over the days to take with me, to remind me that they were out of love. That love doesn't end because two people aren't three miles away from each other. To remind me that I'm not the only one about to embark on the scariest and most lonesome change I've had in my short 19 years of life. Everyone's ending this summer, but I can't help but think I'm ending more than those around me. After all, they're all staying in the country where they can keep contact through the vain inventions of texting and twitter and instagram.

There was a moment last year when I wished to be all alone with no distractions. I can see why I wished those things; life is easier when you want to change, not when you're being forced. I never meant to fall back in love with those I lost touch with. I didn't think those connections would not only strength, but tie me to the ground I walk on. I never thought I'd be more sad to leave high school than to stay. But I guess that's what makes these big, scary changes necessary  we don't expect them; we're comfortable.

When you're comfortable, you know that's when you're doing something wrong and something needs to change.

I'm making too many ties here. And too many ties are being made to me.

It was easier being alone because I only had me to miss.

Which wasn't a bad thing.



... here's to the lovely blog post I read tonight; to the beautiful way she puts together words and shapes her thoughts into grammatical perfection. You'll do great things.

I can hear your heartbeat through my shirt

Laying down in the backseat of my jeep, listening to the music that describes me better than any thing, wind blowing through the whispering hairs the wind has licked free from my slicked hair.

A slight breeze, the evening heat perfect enough to remind me of those past summer nights, the times when love was breaking, but also building so strong.

29 days left to have these kinds of moments where I know I'll be returning to my house, to a life that I'm happy and comfortable in. A life I wouldn't give up for anything. Returning to the people I've been friends with for years.
It's all about to change, and this is the first time in the new me's life that I'm not excited for the change.



But maybe that's why I need it..

Tender moments

It's sweet times like tonight that make it all worth it.


...Sending a part of me with every one of them xoxo

HashtagAttentionWhore.

Do they really get sick of her?
Do you think about me like I think about you?
I wonder if my head is wondering things it has no business wondering?
Could I get just and hour of closure?
Do you think you could prove my theory wrong just once? I leave in 35 days...
I wonder what he thinks about that peck I gave him on my doorstep?
Why do I sincerely care so much about 3 boys more than anyone else?
How could anyone believe there isn't a god?
Why do my heart and my head want two completely different things?
Can we spend every extra moment together? I leave in 35 days...
Is it wrong to want someone that significant out of my life?
Will I ever be tan again? I mean seriously, I look arctic.


I think to sum up these questions I could use 5 words: boys, friends, future, religion, and random.

It's becoming more and more daunting as my days become more limited; life is not just ending the chapter of high school, but also the friends chapter, and the little girl chapter, and so many other chapters I didn't even know I had in my Book of Life.
The more happy times I have with my friends, the more I cry myself to sleep. The more days that pass proving my theory right, the more I cry myself to sleep. The more I smile at the simple things, the more I cry myself to sleep. There are so many happy things making this transition so much harder.

So many things will be different when I get home, only to change even more a few months later.



And I'm absolutely petrified.



... And she KNEW she was being psycho and obsessive, but the response she wanted she just wasn't getting. HashtagAttentionWhore.

Lets mutually friend zone each other, already

I feel bad when there's someone new in my life because chances are, I'm not going to be attracted to them.
It's nothing with them, it's all me. And who knows why that is.
I just dread the time it takes to get over the awkward first date syndrome and just be normal.

Or in other words, the time it takes to skip to the friend zone.

I'm more comfortable in that place (Except with those very few people I haven't wanted to friend zone. But it never works out).

I was thinking about kissing and how it's almost been a year.
That's kind of a big deal, you know.
I think I've forgotten how to deal with the moments before a kiss, how to kiss, and how to act normal after its happened. I've forgotten completely.
But there is one thing I know:

I don't want to just give it away. I want to kiss someone who means something to me. Not just a first kiss on a date with someone I hardly know. There needs to be a basis, and there needs to be a connection.

This is more important to me than my first kiss ever.




... And it was only them. No one else could put her in that kind of trance.

The mysterious yellow umbrella

How I Met Your Mother. 6 words that have changed my life.
(K not really, but I've spent my whole week watching it)

Marshal and Lilly have just tied the knot and Ted and Robin broke up. Barney is back to being Teds wingman of fun, but Ted keeps saying something:

I'm not ready yet.

I think that's where I'm at. I'm not ready to be over it, and I'm not ready to be mature about things. I just want to grow a beard and bum it like Ted did.

And in another sense, I'm not ready because I realized I hit another one year mark. And the fact that I remember what happened exactly one year ago at this exact time really freaks me out.
Not only does my head remember, but so does my body. It's not the first time it's happened...
I can physically remember the way I felt. It was so empty and bottomless my body can remember it. It remembered before my head did.
How strange.
And my body compared it to right now. To someone else, who doesn't even hold any kind of resemblance to the situation I was in last year.
What are you doing? There was nothing to build these feelings on anyway. No reason to feeling betrayed, or cheated on, or to even think those things.
There were a few moments, yeah. But there always are.

Whateverrrrrrr. I've tried all I can think of. I'll just get over it like I did last year.

It's so hard to blog while watching this show.

Awkward.

I always thought I was awkward, but then I started living life during 2013 and I realized it's not my fault. My life is just awkward. Everything awkward finds me.


For example- I'm driving home from thanksgiving point, and this kid flashes me his number while doing the "point, nod, wink" move no one should ever do, let alone from a bus. So what do I do? Awkwardly avoid eye contact and make the smirk I think looks sexy in my head (*in my head). Gosh, Chloe.


Another moment: I'm texting this kid and I totally misinterpret what he said. So I'm getting ready to be like "be over in a sec, babe", but thankfully I'm a text-rereader and before pressing send, I looked over it again and save myself from a very humiliating moment. I certainly didn't need help with humiliating myself in that- whatever you want to call it.


One last one. During my fourth period, there's someone always tweeting nervous tweets about some girl he fancies. I have no idea who this kid is, except that he goes to my school, but I've noticed his tweets, obviously. Being the curious person I am, I look around the room to see if he happens to be in my class. No, he's not, which clears up a lot of my suspicion.
Earlier this evening... No, I'm sorry. Too awkward.


Okay, so maybe my LIFE isn't the awkward part. It's just ME.
....and maybe I tweet a lot.
I like it, okay?!


... Because two is always better than one ;)