If you don't like it, keep it to yourself/ I REALLY need advice.

Heeeeeeeey. I'm home from the gorgeous lake! Absolutely breathtaking up there! Between tubing, boating, tanning, crisping, eating, laughing, swimming, sleeping, and much more- I'd say it was a successful vacation :)


**side note: this is my blog. Yes, it's public, but only because I don't want to take the effort to change it. That means I can say what I want... And I shouldn't have to worry about people telling me things aren't right. This is a place I write my thoughts, my fears. I don't need people telling me what I think is wrong or unhealthy- I'm aware, thank you. It's what's in my head. Journals only work so well. I can't put pictures in as easily, and this is SO much easier to print out and bind together- I'll treat it as my journal. If that's alright with you. And if it's not, DONT READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. thank you. I'm really not a brat, things just get to me.


So, I've had a lot on my mind.
First, a friend. They entered my life at a great moment, and we've been having a blast together. But something's changed. I couldn't tell you what exactly, although I do have an idea. I really miss having them there to strike up conversation with- I really thrived on that. Must I repel every decent person??

Second, another old acquaintance. We had the thoroughly weird opportunity to spend an evening together this past week. I didn't quite know what to do when he first showed up on my driveway, but after much time of ignoring him, I decided to be civil and say hi.
As we all sat in the car together, it was refreshing to see he was willing to be civil back; there was easy conversation and the mood was light. It was also incredible to feel nothing for him- to be so completely over him I even had the guts to suggest something cute and romantic for his current relationship (which everyone just gawked at because I hate(d)(?) her).
But I've been thinking: WOULD I BE WILLING TO LET HIM BACK IN?? Would I, whether that be in friendship, or, dare I say, the things my dreams once showed and my scriptures still show?? I think I found my answer after many conversations with myself: No. Because every time I looked at him, every bad memory, every lie, everything he told he'd never be was reflected on that face, on his whole existence. Maybe we could be friends, but I don't think I could do it to myself. Because I won't, I can't, feel anything for anyone, for who knows what reason... Except for that ghost of a person. I couldn't fall for anyone even like him- because it's not him. I can't feel myself ever feeling that safe with any other person. But believe me, all feelings are gone, he just took away my ability to care, to be open, and to fully feel myself around boys. He still has that part of me, and probably will for a very, very long time. Which I'm honestly fine with, I swear it.
What will I do when I have to see that face everyday.. With my best bud?? Will I be able to be his friend... Without forming old/ new feelings for him?? Will I be able to ignore him?- because it wasn't okay what he did to me, I need him to know that. (but how do I do that? Tell him? Ignore him to get my point across?? Flirt and kiss every guy so he absolutely knows I'm over him just as much as he is me??)

So many thoughts, and no one to ask advice- my advice givers are acting funny.

Like I said above, they're just thoughts. Please don't be offended or worried.

One more thing on the topic of old friends.
Today I had a hernia scare. I have NEVER been in that kind of pain. Ever. I was on the floor, hunched over, clutching my side, in total tears because it was so overwhelming. I thought of the idea of being sent to the hospital/ remembering the movie P.S., I Love you the night before; what if something horrific and drastic were to suddenly happen in my life? What if I were to die?? Who would I be leaving with questions, old guilts, unsaid things?? Who would be distraught over the fact that I was gone?? Who would I regret leaving for lack of communication, for unsaid apologies?
I don't want to leave without people knowing my thoughts and feelings for them. Even those people I say I hate- I don't hate you. I love you for some reason, and I would want you to know that.
I find it silly that people don't just say what's on their mind- that could be your last chance to say that- ever. Until a happy time when you understand the sadness and you're given the chance to catch up (I'm talking of heaven), someone you love and care for could be in deep agony because they didn't say a few little words....
I've been battling this for weeks and weeks on end. I don't want old strings left untied.



I hope I get some advice. I need it :)



...and she felt the beauty all around her.

I know something's right when I feel it... I felt it: WSU

I'm driving to Bear Lake right now and we went through Logan, which is home to Weber State University. I didn't see the actual school... But the surroundings were enough to convince me: THIS IS WHERE IM GOING TO COLLEGE. This is the place. The light, light green hills, with a sandy undertone, trees and trees galore, gorgeous houses, the to-die-for lake RIGHT there... It's me. It's all me. The closeness of the mountains, the openness, the little towns, just the right population.... My heart is about to jump from my rib cage it loves it here so much!! This is Utah. This is what people need to see when they come here. THIS is what makes me love the place I live. It makes me realize I couldn't leave it; nothing could possibly compare to this beautiful place.

Perks:
1. It's far enough away from home I would get the independence and experience of living on my own, but still be able to make it home soon enough.
2. It's like an hour and half away from Bear Lake, one of the best places in Utah.
3. My best friends and I could have THE cutest picnics together.
4. The winter couldn't be anything but AMAZING if it's like this in the middle of the summer.
5. I could raise a family here. I could. Absolutely.
6. PLUS! They have the major I want offered at WSU! Mmmmmm :)



... And her heart wondered when.

Of course, U of U is incredible, too and it has all the same nature-istic things this does, but that's just Salt Lake. This... This is something different. I'll go to the U, though, if all our wonderful plans workout (living with my two best friends, going to Europe for our senior trip, my major).

Nothing has felt this right for a long time. Wow. I fall more in love with this place as we keep driving. It's got the perfect amount of old in it. IT'S ALL ME :) AAAAALL ME.

Our week in pictures

It was a lovely week of playing mommy


... I can't believe we sat in the same car. I'm still in shock that I didn't claw his eyes out. Go me!

My sisters: they wish they were mermaids

My sisters (who are 11 and 9) are obsessed with mermaids. So much so, that, at the Wynn's house, they were found with their feet tied together in a bathtub surrounded by shells, chanting a spell for two hours. Apparently this was supposed to turn them into mermaids; It didn't work. But to see that sight... Man! I would pay money!

Now we are watching a show on tv that claims they found mermaids... A 'new species'. They found a dead animal that was part whale, part dolphin, but no dolphin or whale they had ever seen. They found a stingray barb inside it, but only sharks eat stingrays. So what is this strange species??? Obviously it's a mermaid. Obviously.
And apparently there are aquatic apes... Learning to defend themselves in the ocean. The girls are just SOAKING this up! It's hilarious.


What I would give to have that sort of imagination again...

Mommy party begins

I get to play mom for a whole week! Exciting?? Maybe? Maybe not.

Today I went to the bank and went grocery shopping. Boy, I already don't like being a mom.




Get me to the gym. Stat.

Girls Camp: year 6

I don't have much to say about this year except that over the last 6, I have honestly gained a testimony. A testimony that I KNOW my Father in Heaven loves me, that this gospel IS true, that my Heavenly Father knows me personally. That I wouldn't be who I am without the experiences of girls camp and the leaders that have molded me to be the young women I am today, and the young women I will be tomorrow. I KNOW that all things happen for a reason, and it's all for that perfect ending we all want.

As long as we look UP, the Lord will guide us to where we are supposed to be.

I'm grateful for eternal families and for the one I get to spend that time with.

We did something called a SOLO; this is where we sat alone for about an hour in the woods, and filled out a book about things we liked about ourselves, questions we had, our testimony, things we were grateful for, and a personal letter from our Heavenly Father. At the end of this booklet, there was a promise we made to return to Him. I promised to do WHATEVER it took to get back to heaven with Him. I promised to marry in the temple, and keep all my temple covenants. I really meant that.... And I want my promise back on the day of my wedding... So that I can see that I did it.

I KNOW this church is true. I feel this gospel is true. I feel my Saviors love.

I say this, humbly, in the name of His son, Jesus Christ,
Amen

... And He made *him look UP.




Also, my ward friends are FREAKING hilarious. Like... We are. 4 girls on my bed. We are really comfortable with each other. Love them!!!

These girls keep me going.

Reunited and it feels so good!!

*A life with no best friends is not a life worth living*