Heeeeeeeey. I'm home from the gorgeous lake! Absolutely breathtaking up there! Between tubing, boating, tanning, crisping, eating, laughing, swimming, sleeping, and much more- I'd say it was a successful vacation :)
**side note: this is my blog. Yes, it's public, but only because I don't want to take the effort to change it. That means I can say what I want... And I shouldn't have to worry about people telling me things aren't right. This is a place I write my thoughts, my fears. I don't need people telling me what I think is wrong or unhealthy- I'm aware, thank you. It's what's in my head. Journals only work so well. I can't put pictures in as easily, and this is SO much easier to print out and bind together- I'll treat it as my journal. If that's alright with you. And if it's not, DONT READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. thank you. I'm really not a brat, things just get to me.
So, I've had a lot on my mind.
First, a friend. They entered my life at a great moment, and we've been having a blast together. But something's changed. I couldn't tell you what exactly, although I do have an idea. I really miss having them there to strike up conversation with- I really thrived on that. Must I repel every decent person??
Second, another old acquaintance. We had the thoroughly weird opportunity to spend an evening together this past week. I didn't quite know what to do when he first showed up on my driveway, but after much time of ignoring him, I decided to be civil and say hi.
As we all sat in the car together, it was refreshing to see he was willing to be civil back; there was easy conversation and the mood was light. It was also incredible to feel nothing for him- to be so completely over him I even had the guts to suggest something cute and romantic for his current relationship (which everyone just gawked at because I hate(d)(?) her).
But I've been thinking: WOULD I BE WILLING TO LET HIM BACK IN?? Would I, whether that be in friendship, or, dare I say, the things my dreams once showed and my scriptures still show?? I think I found my answer after many conversations with myself: No. Because every time I looked at him, every bad memory, every lie, everything he told he'd never be was reflected on that face, on his whole existence. Maybe we could be friends, but I don't think I could do it to myself. Because I won't, I can't, feel anything for anyone, for who knows what reason... Except for that ghost of a person. I couldn't fall for anyone even like him- because it's not him. I can't feel myself ever feeling that safe with any other person. But believe me, all feelings are gone, he just took away my ability to care, to be open, and to fully feel myself around boys. He still has that part of me, and probably will for a very, very long time. Which I'm honestly fine with, I swear it.
What will I do when I have to see that face everyday.. With my best bud?? Will I be able to be his friend... Without forming old/ new feelings for him?? Will I be able to ignore him?- because it wasn't okay what he did to me, I need him to know that. (but how do I do that? Tell him? Ignore him to get my point across?? Flirt and kiss every guy so he absolutely knows I'm over him just as much as he is me??)
So many thoughts, and no one to ask advice- my advice givers are acting funny.
Like I said above, they're just thoughts. Please don't be offended or worried.
One more thing on the topic of old friends.
Today I had a hernia scare. I have NEVER been in that kind of pain. Ever. I was on the floor, hunched over, clutching my side, in total tears because it was so overwhelming. I thought of the idea of being sent to the hospital/ remembering the movie P.S., I Love you the night before; what if something horrific and drastic were to suddenly happen in my life? What if I were to die?? Who would I be leaving with questions, old guilts, unsaid things?? Who would be distraught over the fact that I was gone?? Who would I regret leaving for lack of communication, for unsaid apologies?
I don't want to leave without people knowing my thoughts and feelings for them. Even those people I say I hate- I don't hate you. I love you for some reason, and I would want you to know that.
I find it silly that people don't just say what's on their mind- that could be your last chance to say that- ever. Until a happy time when you understand the sadness and you're given the chance to catch up (I'm talking of heaven), someone you love and care for could be in deep agony because they didn't say a few little words....
I've been battling this for weeks and weeks on end. I don't want old strings left untied.
I hope I get some advice. I need it :)
...and she felt the beauty all around her.
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