Welcome to my nightmare.

I'm in a bad place. 

Again. 

It's the place I beat myself up about being perfect. Where I have to have a flat stomach and perfectly toned legs. 

It's all really silly when you think about how unimportant and selfish it is to think like that... 

Especially while serving a mission. 

Everyone says you'll gain; it's inevitable. But I know that if I do, I will not be able to focus on the work. I won't be able to serve the way I want to. 

I pled to my Heavenly Father that I not be placed in situations that would have me eating a way I don't want to. I prayed I would have companions who would understand... Maybe even share the desire to stay lean. 

I think it's the fear of what others would think if I were to come home heavier. My mom said it melts off once your home and back in normal routine, but it still scares me. I can't put on a pencil skirt and see a tummy- I can't. I'll go into a sick-to-my-stomach frenzy and it's all I'll think about. 

I've lived in Germany. I know how to eat healthy. I know how to avoid the chocolate and the bread. I know what to snack on and I know the members will feed me. So I need to learn to control my portions again. I need to learn to be assertive when telling someone I've had enough. And I have to do a morning routine- I have to. 

Welcome to my head where so very easily I fall into insecurity. If I could trade this sickness, I would. I would do anything for a high metabolism, or even better, to not care. I would. 

Here's to Germany; lots of walking, public transport, bread, cheese, and sweets. 

Here's to countless prayers to come. 

Chloe 

xx

Reading Between the Lines

It's a feeling only comparable to what would be described as smooth. You're emotions glide easily together, there's that constant happy smile playing on your lips. It's the creases you get in the corner of your eyes- your happy lines.

It's the small lump at the back of your throat, the smell of familiarity, and it's even the knowledge that what you've wished for won't happen.

It's knowing your content with life, even when you're giving up on the "what if"'s; you're falling into the unknown, knowing there may never be another "hello" again.
But the glass is half full, because it's always better that way. Because who knows? "What If"?

It's coming home to compliments, to good conversation, and inside jokes. It's hoping that maybe this isn't one sided- that maybe insecurities exist on both sides. To talk of happy thoughts and remembering.

The smile is still there.



"My wish for Chloe is..."

To keep the dreams

It's my dreams that keep it alive; keep it real, keep me holding on. 

In my dreams, it's always two. It's always funny places, but it's always me and you. 

No one knows the truth, but maybe that's what keeps the dreams. 

Because in my dreams, it's okay that there's a split, an unknowing, and no resolve. 

At least I've got the dreams... To keep real life from happening. 

But even in real life, you're the only dream I'm seeing. 

Among the nightmares, a little peace is nice to see, even when I'm sleeping. 

So keep the dreams coming, for I leave in no time flat. And the dreams are really all I'll have, to remind me why I'm dreaming. 

Dream big everyone 

xx

Honeymoon Planning

I've always wanted to travel the world with my husband. While being here in Germany and surrounding countries, I've found some of the places I'm visiting on our honeymoon: 

Strasbourg, France- the river, the shops, and we're staying in an old hotel by the cathedral 

Schwarzwald in Trieberg- go to the waterfall to find my name that I carved in the bridge and to shop in the Flohmarkt along the main street. We'll find old things and decorate our newly wed house with our treasures. 

Luxembourg- the old towns in the lower city. An old flat, pretty trimming, and beautiful windows; you and I.

Austria- everywhere. Zell am See particularly and the old town that surrounds it. Perhaps the Grand Hotel. We'll have a marriage ceremony on top of Grossglockner in the green hills. Me in a white dress and a top hat. He's wearing a gray suit, perhaps khaki, white daisies in hand and on the lapel. 

Rüdesheim- dancing. At night, lights twinkling, on Drosselgasse street in a cafe filled with old couples: we'll mix in because we'll both have old souls. We'll take the cable car up the vineyard hills and go on the Romantic boat tour along the Rhein river. We'll sip lemon water while everyone else sips wine. 

My aunt told me about a couple that got married in every new place they visited- that ended up being about 100 different times. After getting married in the temple, I would like to get married civilly in as many places as possible. What cooler way to make places even more special for you and your hubby?

Marry me. 

Chloe

xx

Realizing Austria

The final two of my very best friends have gone into the mission field. 

It was a bit of a different feeling than the first time two weeks ago. Maybe it was because I didn't get a final Skype goodbye, or maybe it was the sweet "I love you" I got. We said it all the time, but for some reason, this time, the personalized message, made it so different. For the first time, I didn't want my missionaries to leave. I wanted to be selfish and ask them to stay; to give me one final hug. 

As I was hiking Schmittenhöhe, a peak in Austria, I was over looking the view and thinking how much my heart has grown for the people I know. Like the Grinch, it was as if I could feel my heart growing in size. It could have been the lack of seeing these people, but I felt so.. Personally attached. I felt loved, and I felt missed, and I felt thought- of. 

Because I know that I, little simple, plain, Chloe, am loved by these people. 

It's an amazing feeling to love a person, to say that you love them, and to know that they know. That it isn't taken in a way that would be mistaken as "in love". I am extremely fortunate to have 4 people I would give my life for in one second. And that they would do the same. 

They make this small knot in time, this time on earth, worth every trial, heartache, and confusion. They make the eternities more beautiful because they'll be in it and I was fortunate to know them before then. 

I'm surrounded by beauty here, and it's special I got to leave something so important to me here while I go. So many moments, so many feelings. I can't wait to come back and experience it all again, in a different way. Hopefully with the man I love. 

... I've only thought of "doors" here in Austria. 

Chloe 

xx

Here's to you, my two final (almost. I've got a special missionary to send off in two weeks now) missionaries. Until we meet again. 

Not All That Wander are Lost

Talking with people makes you realize how grateful you are for the things you have and the things you've been through. We often complain about the things we go through, but if we were to throw our problems in a big pile amongst others problems, we would take ours right back... because someone always has it worse.

I guess all I want to say is that I'm grateful. I'm grateful for what I've been given in this life. And I'm grateful to share experiences with those I meet. And I'm grateful to learn about others around me, and to see into the life of someone else. It makes your heart full of love for others. Maybe I don't understand what others go through, but I can sympathize. I can empathize. I can listen.


... And her heart smiled. Not because of her own happiness, but in understanding someone else's.


Ask a question today. You might just be surprised at the answer.
Chloe

A L P I N E . M I S S I O N

The words were so blurry I couldn't read my assignment on my own. So, over Skype, my father read me the words that turned my life upside down:

You are hereby called to serve in the Alpine German-speaking mission. 

I report to the Preston, England MTC on

November 28th, 2013.

And just like that, my life was flipped right-side-out.

Everyone always joked about how funny it would be if I were to be called back to Germany, but I was never sure about that. But the second I heard (and partially saw) I had been called back here, the first thing I thought was "of course!". It made all the sense in the world that I would serve here!

I took three years of German

I've studied European history for... I don't even know how many years.

I decided to take time to live in this country for 9 weeks.

I have family here.

My mom's family is from here. 

I love Europe.

My mission covers the Romance language countries (Germany, France, Italy, Austria, Switzerland, Slovenia, Slovakia, Hungary, Czech Republic)

And I've had the chance to make connections to this country that I wasn't ready to give up when I had to go home.

It's funny how things just turn out the right way in a blink of an eye. Suddenly every event in my life fit- it all made sense. I didn't have to study German, and I most certainly didn't need to live here for the summer. But I chose those things. I didn't consider them prayerfully (although maybe I should have considered my long stay prayerfully) and somehow, everything still turned out the right way. 

God has a plan for us. And He is perfect. Our lives will turn out to be everything else we didn't have the imagination and hope to dream of through Him. It will be one thousand times more glorious than our wildest dreams. As long as we have faith in His divine power and timing, we needn't worry. 

I also find it special that I received so many answers to prayers while being here- so many answers pertaining to my mission. So many fears about attending the temple and whether I could possibly do this massive work were answered for me here. It's a special place to me because I received answers here. I made friendships here. I grew to love it here. It's so perfect- He is so perfect. This gospel is so perfect. This work is so perfect- so perfect for me. 

I can't wait to get out there and serve the people of Germany. I've got a feel for what they're like, and I consider that to be one of the hugest blessings. 

Although my departure date is probably the worst one I could have got (1. I leave on Thanksgiving Day, and 2. My parents and family fly out to Cozumel for my dads Ironman two days before I get set apart), I know that things will work out. If I have to leave 2 days early and stay with family in England, so be it. If I end up having to postpone my mission by 6 weeks, that's what the Lord needed me to do, and I'll do it :) If I really do only have 2 weeks in the MTC to learn German, I'm sure the gift of tongues will be something I'm blessed with. 

Live happy. Trust in the Lord. You are loved.

Sister Gilmour