Again.
It's the place I beat myself up about being perfect. Where I have to have a flat stomach and perfectly toned legs.
It's all really silly when you think about how unimportant and selfish it is to think like that...
Especially while serving a mission.
Everyone says you'll gain; it's inevitable. But I know that if I do, I will not be able to focus on the work. I won't be able to serve the way I want to.
I pled to my Heavenly Father that I not be placed in situations that would have me eating a way I don't want to. I prayed I would have companions who would understand... Maybe even share the desire to stay lean.
I think it's the fear of what others would think if I were to come home heavier. My mom said it melts off once your home and back in normal routine, but it still scares me. I can't put on a pencil skirt and see a tummy- I can't. I'll go into a sick-to-my-stomach frenzy and it's all I'll think about.
I've lived in Germany. I know how to eat healthy. I know how to avoid the chocolate and the bread. I know what to snack on and I know the members will feed me. So I need to learn to control my portions again. I need to learn to be assertive when telling someone I've had enough. And I have to do a morning routine- I have to.
Welcome to my head where so very easily I fall into insecurity. If I could trade this sickness, I would. I would do anything for a high metabolism, or even better, to not care. I would.
Here's to Germany; lots of walking, public transport, bread, cheese, and sweets.
Here's to countless prayers to come.
Chloe
xx
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