Infinite.

Because I swear in that moment... I knew that we. were. infinite.


I finally found the perfect word to describe those moments I never could before.


I feel inspired and uplifted. Like finally! Something pinpointed exactly how I feel.


Exactly.

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

I'll be eighteen in 48 minutes. Eighteen is a big birthday! It's the age where everything becomes legal. Like. It's a big deal. I've been waiting for years for this day. And I'll I want is to go out with my 6 friends and eat expensive food, which is what I have planned. Except we have problems. One- none of my boys have said yes...

(can I just rant about how much I hate that? It takes every ounce of courage in my heart to get myself to ask those boys to do anything with me and its times like these that make me hate it. I feel embarrassed and silly and annoying. It's my birthday. You're the only people I want to surround myself with. Is it really that hard to reply to my text! Or sound excited when I ask you face to face? Apparently it is. Pretend you love me like I love you for one day. It would mean the world to me).

And two- my best friend got scheduled to work right in the middle of our reservation. Okay. I'm sorry. It's my birthday and I'm spending a lot of money on you. Could you not have told them that you have a prior commitment? They can't expect you to just drop everything and come in to work. Like no.

I'm thinking I might just tell the boys to forget it and just take my girls out. Less stress. But... Not as fun. I want them there :( I even made the reservation one person more just in case I felt the need to invite a certain someone (my mom says its not a good idea, and I agree. But I feel so bad when he's not included. And who cares? We don't even have to speak. This IS the first year in three years I haven't spent a birthday with him).

I'm spoiled and rude. I know. But seriously. It's been a long and emotional week. I need this.

I can hear my parents putting presents out upstairs. How exciting!

Me. Caveman

Tonight was mr. Caveman!! It's a pageant the boys from the school compete in for scholarship money. They do everything any girl would do in a normal pageant.

Their talents were AMAZING! Anyone if those boys could have won and they would have deserved it. Like honestly. AF boys are where it's at!

I got the chance to be partnered with one of my best friends, Taylor! He was also the winner of the pageant! Whoo hoo Taylor! He was so great out there and looked smashing! I was lucky to be his partner :)

Afterward, we went to chilis. We cuddled and snuggled in Appa (Dylans van), got pulled over, and made memories to last a lifetime.

I'm so blessed to be surrounded by such fantastic examples. Even in school related things I'm always with the best of boys. Incredible.

A huge thanks to everyone who helped, came, supported, and participated. This wouldn't have worked without you!



"You only have 7 more months". Lets get this show on the road.


Mwah.

disconnect

One day, long ago, everything was a certain way.

Those things changed.

When those things changed, so did my heart.

I can't find the ability to love, or to care.

I just can't.

I've honestly tried with everything that I am to like someone, just to get one butterfly.

But I can't.

A boy will come along, all will be fun and flirty, but the second he asks me out....

It's gone.

All desire to even be in the same room as him.

I want to be anywhere but there at that moment.

I only want to be with 6 people.

(sometimes 7)

Ever.

What. is wrong?

It's been stolen. And I don't find myself getting it back anytime soon.

So let me continue to love only me.

And one day, when I can love (or even crush on) someone again...

I'll let you know.

SIDENOTE.

Yesterday was Sadie Hawkins.

I had a good time.

Really. I did.

But I'm sad to say nothing is going to compare to Homecoming.

Also.

I have found the type of people I fit in with the best.

I will always be drawn to those people.

And when I am put in situations with others, I will find myself wishing I was with the others.

Every time.

It was embarrassing.

One Last Thing.

I turn 18 this Friday.

Friday.

Can you believe it?

I sure can't...

And I'll be spending it with the two people I love the most in this world.

Because the other 4 will be at a party.

I know. I wish they were going to be with me, too.

Presidential Debates

This is such a crucial year for me in many ways. One of those ways is that this is the year I can vote. These debates have never been so important than they are now.

I will admit that I am a hard core Mitt Romney fan. I feel like, because we come from the same religion, I know what an honest person he is. He has The Lord on his side... I have a lot of confidence in him because of that. I also LOVE that he is all about recovering America. He is very positive when it comes to our countries current situation; "a bright and positive future" as he just stated.

The only problem I have with this whole debate thing is that I never know who is actually telling the truth. I don't ever know which facts are right, and which ones are inflating lies. My mom says Obama has lied almost every time he's opened his mouth, but I hate that people are going to believe him!! And I hate seeing so many people bag on Romney. If I could get the chance to sit and talk to the two of them, I would ask the simplest questions ever. Because then I think we would see how simple this whole thing truly is. And plus I don't really understand everything they say.

I just pray Obama doesn't get out back into office.

it's hidden in the tiny corners of my heart && i'm not even sure how to get there.

i am
complicated
detailed
deep.
i find myself wanting nothing more than to go to an arts school, where i can be surrounded by people just like me- people who feel the most.. okay.. when they're surrounded by beautiful things that make them think through feeling; people who can create what they feel, and make others feel it, as well.

but when i step outside of my head, (the only place i'm truly okay with myself. the only place i can talk myself into feeling perfect just the way i am. the only place where only "I" exist and everything i do is amazing. the only place that is not in the world.) i realize that there are so many people around me that do what i WISH i could do so much better than me; they have such a better shot at my future than i do.
writing.
drawing.
painting.
speaking.
creating.
picturesque.
i'm only an ameture when it comes to these things. but is it so bad that this is ALL i ever want to do? even if i'm not the best at any of them? can't i go just to learn and develop talents (that i may or may not have)? can't i just be given a chance?

chloe: keep being exactly who you are. if you must continue to shape yourself to fit other peoples molds, keep doing it. do it until you find someone who fits your mold perfectly and flawlessly. because one day you'll find the ability to love and care, and someone WILL come along- someone who understands everything in your heart.

see. not even i can put my own head and heart into words.



"... i'll lay on the ground like this *acts like an alligator*."

Text messaging past

My sister had a phone tragedy today I had to pull out my phone from 9th grade. This meant "My Love" and Evan Scott.. The boy who comes home from his mission in a month and a half (ill try and contain my excitement!!!).

I only got the chance to read a few of the messages between "my love" and I, but I did get to relive one of the countless nights spent holding hands. I guess he was kneeling the whole time.. ?? I just thanked him for making me feel so safe, despite any pain it may have put him through.

The feeling of compete innocence and selfless love filled my memory when I read these.... It's so WEIRD to think I even had a boyfriend two years ago- and that our relationship was ever like that. To be honest, I don't even remember what it feels like to belong to someone. Or how to be cute like that. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be so vulnerable again.

Any who. It's weird remembering things like that and feeling so OKAY about it.