Hell week: day one.

Looks like this week won't be too much hell, after all.

Today we learned dance routine. It's super cute, different, and looks good. But it's not hard, or a challenge.

After getting my books and paying for school, I went back for a few hours with dance co. I'm not gonna lie, I was terrified. They all hate me, and I'm sure I was the last person they wanted to see. Turns out, that wasn't the only thing to be worried about. The dance I incredible! It's hard, hard, hard, but it's doable. I haven't been pushed with choreography like that for years! I was definitely rusty, but it felt so good to be scared! To not be one of the top, and to be pushed hard! It was nice to feel dumb and like I sucked... Because then I wanted to try harder than i do at my practices. I was actually looking forward to doing this dance with them.

It was never set in stone that would be do the dance with them, but I hoped it could be.

I was so worried about looking bad again, that I came home and worked on that dance for a solid hour. I broke everything down and learned it perfectly. But turns out, we aren't doing it with them. I guess 31 girls is too many, but I have a feeling that's not the only reason.

I mean, good things don't really happen with me and drill team. Why would this work? That would be something good.

I just need this to work. Because deep down (but not even that deep) I don't want to be there. I'm tired of taking last and not being liked by our school. It's so hard. So so so hard.

"Nothing worthwhile is easy".... This isn't easy. But is it worthwhile?

The beginning of... This week

We had pictures today. It went pretty well- I've done this enough times that it lost its appeal for me. But fun, nonetheless.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. I honestly can't make eye contact with anyone. I'm known as the blog girl, im sure of it. If it helps, I've bawled about that mistakes for hours now. Don't fret, I'm apologizing for it. I didn't mean it, I shouldn't have said it, and I know that it was wrong. Trust me, I'm still paying for it. You just have to understand the darkness in my life at that time. No, that's not a justification, but maybe it'll make more sense if you were to understand my motives.
It ruined my chance as captain, and the relationship I have with my coach. I love her, and she's gonna be amazing, but I have so much to prove to her- even with an apology. Here we go.


Here's to having a big, fat, loud mouth 👍 (thumbs up)

CHEERS.

The official start of my senior year..

Wow. I'm a senior. It didn't hit me until tonight! I'm the head honcho, the queen of the school.. It's weird!

Recap of tonight: I wore my Beatles t-shirt, a black and white stripped maxi skirt, black belt with gold buckle, gold leafy earring, and my favorite ear embellishments. I must say, between the curly hair and the rocking outfit, I was feeling good :)
I got to see my friends, so that was nice :) I sat close to her, and it wasn't a problem. I almost wanted to say hi... Almost. Then he showed up. Even before that, I was looking for so much attention. Like. Wow, I've never acted like this. It's just that group of people- they make me want their attention; I want to be someone they all want to talk to, someone they all like. So I was loud and obnoxious. I was always conscious of the fact that everyone was sitting 10 feet away, and I wasn't. I wanted them to know that. I wanted everyone to know what I was doing, what I thought, what was on my mind- it was obnoxious. I even sped out of the parking lot with my cute indie music blasting so people would look.

I like to call this: single-syndrome. I would also like to link it to the fact that I have an ever present memory of a person to impress. I want them to see me being okay, looking good, smiling, talking to boys... I need them to see it. I need them to miss it. And then I will act as if I don't care, because I need to show them what it feels like :)

Also! My best friend is a cheerleader!! She looked AMAZING! Sooo good! I am so happy to see her out there loving it :) we are her biggest fans and I'm so excited to see her out there on the field :) she deserves something this great in her life!
My other friends are amazing, too :) I can't explain what the get me through. That someone could understand me so well, is so incredible. I can rely on any of those girls for ANYTHING, and it's a huge blessing :) I love you :)

The plans of a 17 year old girl.

I had the fabulous plans to hike Timp this fine evening. After days of planning, it was finally going to happen.
Then this storm rolls in. Not only does it ruin my plans, but it puts me in a terrible mood. Because guess what? It's not even blustering anymore. Which was the whole reason we opted not to go.
I really was so excited. I was going to hike it with all my good friends, there were actually going to be boys involved, which shocks even myself, and it was just going to be grand.

Moral of the story: check the weather, make sure everyone will be in town, listen to that gut feeling that's telling you you probably won't end up going, and don't get your hopes up. Because now I'm just like, screw you. To everyone.

I did have a great time at city creek! I didn't buy a thing :) I'm just saving that for next week :) hopefully my shopping buddy won't bail on me.. Like he always does. He's so confusing.. *makes confused/ wondering face*


.. Life is a journey :)

I can't seem to shake this feeling. This feeling of complete- emptiness, hyphenated for a reason.
Simplicity, complexity; they come hand in hand.
I know what's right, and I know how it ends, but can't we just skip the in- betweens?
Definitely, maybe. There's a possibility, it's just going to take some invisibility for a time.
Sit, wait, experience- the time will come. And when that time comes... You'll know. You'll know it with everything you are.
Imagine it all, keep believing it will come. Someday, all this uncertainty will be certain. I know it.



I'm 6 months too inexperienced:)

Baseball, hocus pocus, football, and foreigners

After making healthy cookies out of chickpeas (a disaster, but kind of good??), we decided to go to the Highschool to wait for Haydn.

The night was too great to even explain, so here are the highlights:

Hookah (don't worry, no drugs were actually there, just jokes)
Guys with accents
Fermented grapes
Oat beer
Cavemen
Porta-potties
Baseball field
Confusing scenarios
Bony shoulders
"2 per graduating class.. Suck it class of 2013!"
Cowboys
Ice baths
Steak



Boy do we have a great time :)

Recurring thoughts: what goes on my walls next?!

I am always asking myseld: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PUT ON YOUR WALLS NEXT?! It's a constant battle- I have SO many ideas, but close to no more wall space!

What am I going to do with my calypso bottles, what quote goes on my wall next and in what font, what colors should i tape paint with, what design should go on my dresser.... So many options, and no answers!