The mysterious yellow umbrella

How I Met Your Mother. 6 words that have changed my life.
(K not really, but I've spent my whole week watching it)

Marshal and Lilly have just tied the knot and Ted and Robin broke up. Barney is back to being Teds wingman of fun, but Ted keeps saying something:

I'm not ready yet.

I think that's where I'm at. I'm not ready to be over it, and I'm not ready to be mature about things. I just want to grow a beard and bum it like Ted did.

And in another sense, I'm not ready because I realized I hit another one year mark. And the fact that I remember what happened exactly one year ago at this exact time really freaks me out.
Not only does my head remember, but so does my body. It's not the first time it's happened...
I can physically remember the way I felt. It was so empty and bottomless my body can remember it. It remembered before my head did.
How strange.
And my body compared it to right now. To someone else, who doesn't even hold any kind of resemblance to the situation I was in last year.
What are you doing? There was nothing to build these feelings on anyway. No reason to feeling betrayed, or cheated on, or to even think those things.
There were a few moments, yeah. But there always are.

Whateverrrrrrr. I've tried all I can think of. I'll just get over it like I did last year.

It's so hard to blog while watching this show.

Awkward.

I always thought I was awkward, but then I started living life during 2013 and I realized it's not my fault. My life is just awkward. Everything awkward finds me.


For example- I'm driving home from thanksgiving point, and this kid flashes me his number while doing the "point, nod, wink" move no one should ever do, let alone from a bus. So what do I do? Awkwardly avoid eye contact and make the smirk I think looks sexy in my head (*in my head). Gosh, Chloe.


Another moment: I'm texting this kid and I totally misinterpret what he said. So I'm getting ready to be like "be over in a sec, babe", but thankfully I'm a text-rereader and before pressing send, I looked over it again and save myself from a very humiliating moment. I certainly didn't need help with humiliating myself in that- whatever you want to call it.


One last one. During my fourth period, there's someone always tweeting nervous tweets about some girl he fancies. I have no idea who this kid is, except that he goes to my school, but I've noticed his tweets, obviously. Being the curious person I am, I look around the room to see if he happens to be in my class. No, he's not, which clears up a lot of my suspicion.
Earlier this evening... No, I'm sorry. Too awkward.


Okay, so maybe my LIFE isn't the awkward part. It's just ME.
....and maybe I tweet a lot.
I like it, okay?!


... Because two is always better than one ;)

We continue to grow up with no eyes for the present

Last night we had a picnic, rode bikes down the canyon, laughed and joked, sat eating ice cream for hours, making memories and feelings to last a lifetime.

These are the times you remember forever. These are the times we don't have enough of, but when we get them, we never forget.

The people we spend time with impact us more than we know. And I love them. I love them more and more as the days go on and we continue to make memories like we did last night.

We have 50 days until I leave- until we don't see each other for two years. I beg we have more times like last night.

We had such a good time :)


I love my best friends, that's one thing you got right on as you spewed nasty words in my face. Thanks for recognizing the love I can capacitate.


... Today marks the day I became a big girl- I did my own eyeshadow :)

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words always do the most damage.

Maybe god gives us days like today to give us what we so desperately prayed for. Maybe it's my way out with as little pain as possible.

"You only talk to tall, skinny people who do crossfit"


Words I will never forget.

They'll always be there. Every time I see the mouth they came out of. They dug even deeper than "it's going to be hard, but it's the right thing to do".

And I'll just remember I'm happier in this state of mind than I ever was in that one.

No one understands it. And no one accepts it.

People see what they want to see.
Inside of my head, I've never been better. But we don't seek for the good in others. We overlook it and find the faults.
And that's okay, because we're human.

We cry, and we feel sorry for ourselves, and we miss, and we cleave to old times&and old memories.

Why doesn't anyone ask about my day. Or how I am. Or call me up to watch a movie and sit closely. Just talk, or wonder about me?
There's never a person who allows me to talk about my fears and troubles, my tears and terrors. Because I'm busy listening to them.

But no one sees it.

No one knows.


...Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words will ALWAYS hurt me, much more deeply.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Something about him makes me crazy. Not crazy like I don't want anything to do with you, but.. The good crazy.
It's that crazy that gets your heart going, and the butterflies flying. The one that no one has quite been able to replicate.

And there he goes again...




And she partially lied to one, didn't lie enough to the other. What has she done?

New York

NYCs been a total dream; shows, shopping, lights, friends, food, and walking.
It's made me see what I really want to do: intern. Maybe not even get the job, just intern. Marie Claire mag. I've got the hookups, the time (in 2 years) and I think I've got the talent. It was so fun seeing what it's like there.
Gucci, Tiffany, Michael Kors. So excited about my finds and purchases.

Gosh. And those amazingly beautiful British boys! And those men who went to a private college in the financial district. Pictures are all we have left..

Please stand by

Gawl. I miss having school to stress me out. I never expected such an awful thought to enter MY mind before, but it has.
I thrived off of stress. I love having something to do... All the time.
But now that I have full-fledged senoritis, I have nothing to do. School is the easiest thing ever, I don't work enough (no point in looking forward to work anymore, anyway), and I am in a RUT.

Yes, a rut.
As in:
I'm lazy
I don't see myself ever getting out
I'm fat
The only things I think about are males that I can't have
My religious levels are so down it's bad (mainly because I START MY PAPERS TOMORROW)
My fashion sense is shot- I am going to Pinterest to give ME ideas. Me! Of all people on the planet!
I have nothing I even want to wear

My world is one big BLAH.

I've lowered myself to a level to get another's attention, but even by doing so, I don't have their attention. And I hate the feeling it gives me. And I think I just ruined everything by my obnoxiousness. Because boy... I can get obnoxious when I want someone to notice me.
I'm an attention whore. Big time.

As I mentioned, papers are starting tomorrow :) I am very excited for that... But sometimes it really scares me that it's so real and... Happening so fast!


"I don't believe in it. I don't agree with it. But I agree we're all gods children and everyone deserves equality and we need to love everyone and the way they love."

Xx